Monday, August 3, 2009

Birth Story Regrets and Mommy Guilt.

Lately I've been seeing lots of talk on my favorite mommy-blogs about birth story regrets. Women who might not have had that ideal birth and who regret it and mourn for what they didn't get.

I've never regretted that Baby Flamingo was born via c-section. Did I want a vaginal birth? Did I have those images of my husband holding my hand and urging me to push or to breathe? Did I want to see how long I could go before I begged for the epidural? Yeah, I wanted all of those things.

When they sent me down to L&D at 34 weeks pregnant to deliver I freaked out majorly. I didn't have my bag or it even finished being packed. I had almost finished her room, but still didn't have her shelves put up yet (FYI, that was finished last week), I had obviously not bought enough preemie clothes or diapers and MY MOM WASN'T HERE! I was scared and nervous and terrified that my sweet little baby had not had enough time to finish all of those developments. I knew that she'd be fine really, but it was terrifying. I wasn't in labor, but my heart was struggling a bit to support both of us... and that is where my guilt comes in.

Thankfully they doctors all decided to keep my inpatient, make me rest and watch my heart and the baby for a week, get me to 35 weeks and then deliver. I am so thankful for that week. It was during that week that my mind adjusted and accepted that I wasn't going to have that idealized birth in my head but instead going to have a realistic one that was safe for me and my sweet baby.

Have I had guilt? Not so much about my birth story, more for the fact that she was early and needed some help in the beginning... had even more about not being able to breastfeed... but as I look at my sweet little girl who gifts me with smiles and giggles... who loves for me to rock her to sleep... It is all perfect. Her birth story isn't over because her life is just beginning. I can't wait to see what kind of woman she will be.

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